thePlace

Under the faint velvety light that stretches beyond the Java Island, the sea shimmers far below. That arched moon that has been hanging in the dim sky has slowly turned itself and now smiles brightly to the sea below. It gleams silver and gold in the swell; soon joining the moving sea. The tide pushes the fluttering swells beyond the horizon, beckoning the moon to stay. Nearer to shore, clusters of lights from the fishing boats quiver in unison.

It’s another enchanting night up in the Space. Somehow this time there’s an irrepressible urge to share the beauty, the tranquility, and … perhaps the sting too. Maybe in not sharing, I fear I would become immune to the beauty and the pleasure. Or perhaps in sharing, I hope to escape the subtle malaise that has settled herself permanently in the air after the conversation with Made this afternoon.

Even in this sylvan splendor, I wonder if I could become inured to unpredictable moments of helplessness.

The contractor, Made, told me finally that he is loosing money in building the 2 cottages and that he is short at least Rp 70 million – about US$7000 to complete them! Although I have suspected it and have urged him to open up to me, it’s still a shock. I am almost done paying for them – the price we agreed on which is what he quoted me from the beginning . Where did the money go? He cited the increase of transport fees and hence the increase prices for all the building materials, unexpected carrying cost because of the location, etc. Lately, the delay of materials, the absence of workers, the onset of his peculiar sickness (he has been complaining of high blood pressure, a slight stroke and inexplicable general weakness that debilitate him) – all these, not a dreadful concatenation of random events. And now, the truth.

He also told me that he couldn’t secure a loan although he has tried. I fear the project will be half-finished and there’s no way to make the sustainable amount to keep it operational.

There’s no dramatic sense of doom. Nonetheless a general sense of subtle malaise that gives rise to a sense of boredom settles in – something that I have to deal with. The issue is to find a win-win solution – but how???

Now I have found peace with the soil but I am not finding peace above ground – will I ever? Need I? Is hard to see that it’s always just in my mind – my perceptions, that everything is unreal, the essence is all emptiness. In the mist of a disaster, how can I see that everything is pure in reality, non-dualism – no judgment, no object, subject and action….

This is the way it is. Indeed there’s no way to hide and meditation means having to work with my fears, frustrations, disappointments and irritations, the painful aspects of life.

Am I still grateful? Yes - the situation is still very spacious, beautiful and workable.